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In Harriet Braiker’s book Who’s Pulling Your Strings? she teaches readers how to smell out manipulative people. That book, along with a few years studying the Enneagram have completely changed how I view the world. The leaders I choose to follow are much less dynamic and charismatic than they used to be.
In light of the mega-church scandals happening in which a couple dynamic pastors have been revealed as shady and deceptive, I’ve wondered how in the world people didn’t see it from the beginning? But of course I already know the answer to that question: It’s because the people who follow those pastors are so sweet and kind.
I mean that.
It takes a very nice person to follow a manipulator. Strong people smell out manipulation fast.
But recently I had a conversation with somebody who’d been seriously burned by a dynamic personality and they helped me see the whole situation in a different light. This person gave their lives to a dynamic leader but once they started asking questions, were chastised, slandered and threatened until they literally had to move to a different state. Because they’d signed a confidentiality agreement, they couldn’t tell their story. It was all pretty sad.
*Photo Credit: SarahDeer, Creative Commons
What was interesting to me, though, is my friend began reflecting on why in the world he’d fallen for the leader in the first place. His answer, amazingly, was that he realized he was codependent. He said he liked the affirmation he received from the leader and that this very powerful person had taken him under his wing.
What he never realized is that the leader hadn’t done that for free. Manipulative, dynamic leaders make an unspoken agreement with their followers. The agreement looks like this: If you submit to me, unquestioningly, I will give you security. Manipulative leaders paint a scary picture of the outside world to keep their flock close, then they use shame and guilt to keep them even closer. If you question them, you’re the enemy and they turn their followers on you.
This personality type isn’t exclusive to the church.
There are manipulative leaders in politics, in business and in all other aspects of life.
We will never get rid of manipulative leaders. But we can change ourselves.(tweet this)
Have we made an unspoken deal with a leader? Isn’t it true that those who love us the most are the ones who give us the most freedom to figure out if we want to love them back? Is the fear of leaving a leader the same as loyalty.
To somebody caught up in the unspoken deal they made with a manipulative leader, this blog will set off a firestorm of emotions. By suggesting a person can be free, I’m also stepping on their sense of security. These people have been trained to defend the manipulator at all cost. Likely, it won’t be till they see the other side of the manipulator, or are hurt by them personally that they will see the light. Hopefully, then, they’ll begin to ask themselves whether it’s something in them that needs to change.
Donald Miller is all about story. He's helped thousands overcome a sense of meaninglessness by helping them create their Storyline life plan. If you're struggling with a sense of meaningless,pick up Storyline today. After studying story for years and successfully using the elements of story to engage customers, Don created StoryBrand, a process any business owner or marketing team can go through to create a communication script that will increase sales. Don is also the creator of the Storyline Productivity Schedule, a free daily schedule using modern psychology to increase a person's productivity. Don believes getting your story straight changes everything. Follow Don onTwitter (@donaldmiller). To read more of his posts on the Storyline Blog, click here.
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