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April and I got into a big argument and decided to sit with some friends to get their input. (If you don't have some older married couples in your church to talk with and get help with marriage then go outside your church. You don't necessarily have to pay for marriage counseling. Just find a marriage which you respect and ask to talk with them.) So there we were, with our friends. Having been married 30 years, compared to our nine, they just politely smiled through our descriptions of discord. Once we reached a stopping point they simply said, "You are starting to get new tools, and your marriage is changing." Hmmm. Silence. 'New .... tools?' we thought. They didn't take sides with either one of us or give us some lofty scriptures. Just, "New tools." That's what they said. And they were right!
Although we couldn't completely understand, we knew there were some real gems in there, some golden nuggets of truth about our life together and our relationship. It was pretty general advice on the one hand; but then, it was also a very specific observation, coming from their own experience. So we resolved ourselves to simply trust. And over the next few weeks we began to see exactly what they were talking about it. Our marriage was indeed getting new tools.
I really love the tools analogy because I've used it a good deal in talking with couples. Everyone, I believe, is basically born with a tool box ready to receive the much needed tools for marriage and parenting. It is the job of our own parents to fill this tool box with these necessary tools. The end result of how many good tools we have depends on our own parents and/or guardians. For example, my own parents gave me the great tools of affection, commitment, and time. But my dad confessed to me once that he was prone to loosing his patience with me and mom at times. It was a great moment of deep friendship for us. But I had to look at that and decide to go after the tool of patience, which I knew was lacking in my tool box. How many good tools we have comes from whomever had the greatest parental impact on our own lives. Some people grow up with a tool box full of good tools making marriage and parenting not as big of a struggle. While others, unfortunately, have very poor childhoods and can enter adult life with a tool box virtually empty. The good news is, the tools for marriage and parenting can be acquired at any time in later life, with the willingness to go after them and the readiness to use them. I've known some couples who had terrific marriages although the marriage of their own parents didn't last. They were terrific because they acquired the tools. The same principle applies with good parenting. In each of the success stories there is a common thread: the admission that they needed help, followed by the relentless pursuit of that help from other couples.
New Tools. So there we were, sitting with our friends, getting some help, and we're told we are getting new tools. That immediately made us very excited. Suddenly we forgot what we were even fighting about. And it also encouraged us that God is never done with us; that He indeed wants to help us grow and get better at communicating; better at loving and caring for one another. Now that April and I have made the 10 year mark it's exciting and amazing to see those new tools in our tool box.
As I looked at our friends, our much older and wiser friends (wink), I realized that 10 years is really still only a start. The "new tools" we are getting are most certainly from God. We both feel our relationship changing and going deeper; and we cannot really explain exactly how. But we know it to be true. Our friends confirmed this and so we just simply trust; we trust God to take us to the new depth and we trust the wisdom of married couples who have a long history of walking with the Lord together. And we trust God to give us new tools whenever we need them. May God grant you and your spouse new tools and a deeper and more fulfilling relationship, in order that our great and awesome God might be glorified and praised by our lives. 
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