Gossip Guns and Relationship Suicide

(Disclaimer: I wrote this about a year ago. And I wrote this to me, to you, to the church, to churches, to leaders, to shepherds, and friends; but mostly to me. I am deeply sorry for any time that I have participated in gossip and now beg the Spirit of God to change me more deeply and bring to mind those whom I have sinned against so that I might ask their forgiveness.)

Part One: Gossip Guns

Have you ever fired a weapon? Ever seen the damage it can do? I grew up shooting guns of all sizes. My dad was one of the field trainers for the Federal Bureau of Prisons in Memphis. He was good enough on the range to compete in the annual tri-prison tournament...and win. I was carried along to the rang as a twelve year old boy, and all his friends loved to put a new gun in my hand. "Here... let him try this 44 mag. with the 8 inch barrel! It'll be a hoot." (This is one of the biggest handguns around. Think Dirty Harry, if you saw that one.) And it was a hoot. My dad had to brace himself against my small frame and put his hand over the top of my wrists. BOOM!!!! The recoil was incredible. Even with my dad holding me to the Earth I felt like a helpless rag doll thrown into his body. I'll never forget it, nor will I forget the damage that one bullet could do. Once it's fired... it's gone. Never getting that one back. And never going to repair the wound it made in the target.

That experience is what I think about when I start reading the scriptures about gossip.

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. Proverbs 16:28

The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts. Proverbs 18:8 
Paul even lumps gossip in with some of the worst things imaginable when he wrote, They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil. (Romans 1:30)

Gossip is just like a loaded weapon. Once those words are fired... their gone. Never getting that one back. And often times, you will never be able to repair the wound it made in the target.

But we need a working definition of gossip, I think. There is way too much ambiguity here. Is it gossip if you are just "bouncing your idea off of somebody"? Is it gossip if you "have the other person's best interest in mind"? Is it still gossip if you, "are just venting to your friend and you know they can handle it"? Well, hmmm. I like this definition:  Gossip is speaking anything to anyone at anytime in any circumstance where you have not actually talked to that person, having first hand information and understanding, as well as permission to discuss what you learned about them with someone else.

But wait, what if we are "spiritual people"? I mean, if we are "spiritual people" maybe we really can know something about someone else without ever really talking to them. Sorry, I don't buy it. If we are really spiritual people then I think we'd shake in our boots at that thought, and stop dead in our tracks before speaking. I think "spiritual people" would always -- I mean always -- doubt oneself first. Then, rather than jump to conclusions about someone, the spiritual person would give someone the benefit of the doubt, followed by talking directly to the person to discover the truth. Now that's spiritual.
  

If there is any real doubt about the power of the spoken word just take a stroll through all of the Proverbs. Several years back, I did just that. As I read through them I was shocked by the number which had to do with our words. Ones like this one: The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. And this one: Like a club or a sword or a sharp arrow is one who gives false testimony against a neighbor (Prov. 25:18). If this were written today perhaps it would read, "Like a gun, or a grenade, or a canon, is one who gives false testimony about a neighbor." That's the context we live in. A few verses later and this one applies as well, "Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control."

Dear Pastor, or church leader, or Elder, if you have gossip in your church you have people running around with loaded weapons. With great force and destruction they can bring you and your flock down. The careless words of only a few will quickly reap destruction and unravel all that for which you have labored. Look at it. Call it a sin. Then go after them with strong condemnation, not of the person, but of the sin of gossip. It is one of the most important things you will ever do for your church. Gossip guns are deadly. And they will continue to kill unless you put a stop to it.

However, there is an even sadder side to the gossip gun damage, and that is the damage done to oneself.


Part Two: Relationship Suicide

Have you ever met someone who just "couldn't keep a secret"? Most people have. Ever met a person who always had something to say about other people? Most people have. Question -- cutting right to the chase -- Do you trust those people? I mean, if you have learned of their tendency to talk, their gift of gab, or their motor mouth, do you still trust them? You see, this is the real sad part -- those people who gossip have committed relationship suicide. People around them are guarded. They are careful. They are not going to open up and be vulnerable. That's way to risky. If they do they know the result my be a headline on the unpublished church tabloids, and their reputation will be ruined, perhaps forever. The real sad part is that the gossips rarely have very close friends.

Even worse off, the gossip is usually and quite naturally grouped with other gossips, for they too have very few close relationships. Then the unreality sets in. As the gossips begin to feed one another those unconfirmed facts and juicy tid-bits, they begin to think of the other gossips as their only close friends. At this stage the relationship suicide is nearly complete, for these are no longer spiritual relationships at all, but just shells of some sinful nature, spreading pessimism and despair, to all whom will listen. At this point there is a deep and lonely spiritual death. 

Relationship suicide.

Ok, sorry! What a depressing post! Why would I write such a thing on the "Journey to Life" blog?! You guys come here to read encouraging words of fun and fluffiness, right? ... and to look at cute pictures of our friends and family? Well, this post is only depressing if you think of it as such. This post might be the most life-giving posts I've written because it's about what steals life away. We can talk all day about what gives us life and we'll be doing pretty good. But if we can get down and dirty and really read and write about what causes us death, then we'll be doing really great. Gossip causes death. Christ and the Spirit causes LIFE.

This is about honesty and reality. I don't have all the answers. And I'm guilty, too. To break the back of destructive gossip we must confront it as sin and talk, directly, to those who participate in it. Sure, you might ruffle some feathers if you confront those gossips in your church. You might even loose them to another church. But that's what a good leader -- and a good friend -- does. He never compromises that which leads to life and he never allows, nor participates in, that which leads to death.

Gossip guns and relationship suicide go hand in hand.

I've fired a lot of guns and it's a terrifying thought when you consider the damage they can do. Words can kill in an instant.

Pastor/leader -- Think about the hard sermon you should give your church.
Friend/follower -- Think about the exhortation you should give your friend.
Me/You -- Think about getting on our knees and begging God to tame our tongues and keep us silent.. unless we have actually talked to that person, and have first hand information and understanding, as well as permission to discuss what you learned about them with someone else.