Judge and Jury: A Confession

I am SO very sorry.

I have been judgmental where I should not have been.

I'm not sure for how long; but I have been. I have hurt a number of people over the years, friends who would do anything for me, friends who loved me unconditionally, in spite of my "convictions" or decisions. This post is my confession, and reflection. In this new season of my life, as I look at the nature of judgmentalism, and how I took it on several ways, I see the faces of those wonderful friends. You guys know me, and how I’ve been a “searcher”, trying this or that, never seeming to be satisfied; always after that "greener grass." Problem is I mowed over some dear people while on my quest. So I’m starting this new blog; and I’m starting this new season; starting this new part of the Journey. And I’m starting with this confession.

I am SO very sorry.

I have been judgmental where I should not have been.

A few weeks ago I was praying about this problem in me, this judgementalism, and I feel like God showed me a picture. 

Imagine a court room. Imagine it filled with people. Notice what happens when the judge walks in: “All rise.” Then, the booming voice announces,  “You may be seated!”  Notice how the judge's head  is elevated over everyone else’s head in the room. This is intentional. He looks down on them. They look up at him. With the posturing and placement completed, and the clear chain of authority firmly established, the “judging” may now begin. It is his job. His duty. His calling. As I saw this picture of the exalted man in the room I felt the Lord ask me a question: “Have you ever seen a happy judge?”

That question pierced deeply into my soul, for I already knew the answer, even before the question was fully formed in my mind. “No. I have not.” At least not while he, the judge, is “judging.” He may be happy at other times perhaps. Who knows, he or she might even be a jovial sort of human being, sipping cocktails and telling jokes at a dinner party. But we don’t see that side right now. No way. Not while he is judging. We see only the sternness; the cold, calculated stare; the pressed forehead and sunken eyebrows. He is weighing the evidence, hearing both sides. And this is not a small matter, for it will determine the fate or punishment of another. He will help determine one very important thing: Guilt.   Wrongness - This is what he’s after. “Who is wrong?” is the question looming over the courtroom and filling up his thoughts, followed by “what is their punishment?” This is no laughing matter. The job is difficult. And it does not make the judge happy. It’s quite the opposite, in fact. Have you ever seen a happy judge? No wonder.

But he is not alone in this process. He has a group of carefully selected participants: the Jury. They also carry great responsibility, judging the evidence, hearing “the case”, and making a decision in regards to the person’s guilt or wrongness. Likewise, this jury of peers is not the happy lot. They are oftentimes elevated by their seats, not higher than the judge of course, but “up there” above the common people in the room for sure. The jury is serious. They are engaged in a battle and must make a choice in the end. They don’t smile, giggle, smirk, wink, or laugh. They judge. While one person is judging another person -- deciding who is wrong -- all must remain quiet in the room, allowing the judge and jury to concentrate. Everyone in attendance knows exactly where all this is headed: The verdict.

So I confess. I have been both judge and jury in regards to another person’s guilt, not just presiding over friends in my past but even judging friends as recently as a few months ago.  Yes, there is sin in the world, and it separates us from God. Christ made a way for this this, which leads to righteousness. But do I suddenly say or think that a person is "living in sin" just because they do not agree with me over doctrine or how to "do" church??!   No!  I confess. I repent. What I’m talking about is judging another person’s choices, weaknesses, preferences, opinions, attitudes, and not giving them room to be a fallen human being

…just … like … me.

That’s what I’m guilty of. I’m guilty of exalting my own head over another; of believing my own opinions, my interpretations of scripture, and my view of God, were somehow better than yours, as if God had given me some sort of deeper insight than he did to you, thinking my “calling” should be your calling too!!

 I felt God whisper a question to me, as this picture came into focus:

“Who do you think you are?”

And I wept. And I begged God for forgiveness. And now I’m begging my old and new and future friends for forgiveness as well. Who do I think I am? I am

…just … like … you.

We are in this together. I am a fallen, human being. I am flesh and bone; broken hearted, humbled by my mistakes; fearful, insecure, and needy.  I don’t have all the answers. I can’t read the Bible without missing the point. And I can’t follow God with 100% perfection. I am very blessed. But I don’t have it all together, even though I try very hard to look that way. And now, in this season of my life, I feel like you, my true friends, have always known this about me and you’ve just been waiting for me to finally see it. Well I see it. And I’m sorry. I got all excited about the house church “movement”, or the homeschool “movement”, or  ... "the church.”   So I took the judge’s seat or the juror’s chair. It didn’t make me happy or free. Judging you, and others, only made me miserable. In fact, it even lead to more and more stern judgment; even to a place in life I felt I had run from as a youth -- Legalism. I woke up one day and realized I had become a legalist, the very position I railed against and preached against for years. You must be thinking, ‘What a hypocrite.’ And you would be right. I was. I mean… I am... A hypocrite. It’s ludicrous to think I could have ALL the right answers. And I’m SO very sorry.

Where does this leave me now? I’m not entirely sure, just yet. Nearly every day I ask God one basic question, “What is MOST important to you?” And I keep hearing one basic answer, “That the LOVE of my Son be lifted up and exalted above everything else.” As I consider God’s answer and consider the new direction in my life and my spiritual walk with God, I realize that lifting the LOVE of Christ above everything else is actually more difficult than it sounds. It may even be the most difficult thing. But perhaps the most difficult thing proves it is also the most important. So I’ve been taking inventory of all the things which I lift above the love of Christ. This is incredibly painful. Most of the things I find are things in my own mind; ways of thinking, and especially this place of judgment.

So I’m starting with the judgment, just letting God work on that for now. And I’m launching this new blog in hopes that it will be a place of humble reflection and broken down opinions. I need feedback in my life. I desperately need feedback. Fortunately, God is surrounding me with some pretty incredible friends; they are letting me walk through this introspection, and they keep holding up the bright green Jesus sign at the appropriate places on the road. I’m incredibly grateful for friends who love God so much! That green Jesus sign is looking more and more like a neon Christ sign!

I’m especially and mostly grateful to my wife, April. Her fun-loving and light-hearted ways have counter-balanced my judgementism and legalism. She’s followed me for years, patiently waiting. Now I feel we are finally beginning to walk more side-by-side. Recently, she has listened for hours, and without fail continues to point me to Christ, not in a surface level sort of way, and not with “answers” even. Usually she does so with more questions. These questions have caused me to stand at the water’s edge and plunge more deeply into that basic gospel message than ever before. Thank you, sweetheart. It feels good to be in the water again. 

Now I have questions. 

What does it really mean to “be like Jesus.” Is he just a prototype of a perfect human being, or an ideal? Or was He and is He the real deal? Is He perfect love? Is He the Son of God? Did He show us how to live, how to love others? Are His teachings true? Do they change our lives? If we  do what He did and think what He thinks will it make a difference? 

What is the proper way to make a right "judgment" about something (John 7:24) without becoming a plank-eyed, hypocrite (Mt. 7:1-5)? How do we "expose" the "fruitless deeds of darkness" (Eph. 5:11) without lumping in any and all people who don't share our opinions about how to "do" church or "interpret" scripture? 

What is legalism?

It all has to do with how we think. Do I think my way of reaching those who do not know Christ is BETTER than your way of reaching those who do not know Christ? And further, if I think my way IS better than your way then do I add you to the list of those who need the gospel. I mean, I'm all for a "radical commitment to Christ."  But in my zealous appeal for a radical commitment will I begin to think you a sinner because you do not agree with me? This is legalism? We want to reach those who do not know Christ. We believe, and have witnessed that He is the Lord of Life, and that He can change a person from the inside out, bearing fruit in our lives and giving us true Joy and happiness. But the way of God is a Way of LOVE! God is NOT a legalist! God IS LOVE!  

Christ warred against the Legalism. Jesus Christ was not and is not a judgemental hypocrite. He hates the sins which he died for, sure. But he does not enter the court room demanding that all rise as he sits in the highest chair. Christ does not elevate his own head. Nor does he wear a frown on his face as he glares at the guilty. Instead he enters the court room of our lives from the back, finds a place on the floor before the person charged, and he washes our feet. As he washes the sinful person is saved. The judgemental in the room gasp at such a scene. It’s offensive, but why? Why is it offensive … to me … that Christ would wash feet instead of look down from above? Perhaps it is because I am too proud to get on the floor myself, with Him. I would feel better about myself if he would come join me up there... in the judge’s chair. But He does not. He just keeps washing. 

This is one of the hardest thing I’ve ever had to look at.

I’m SO sorry.

I have been judgmental where I should not have been. 

Forgive me. And help me start a new life, a new journey, and a new place

…of freedom

…on the floor

…next to Christ Jesus

…my LORD.

Now I notice how the judge's head is elevated over everyone else’s head in the room. This is intentional. He looks down on them. They look up at him. 

Well.... no more. I am no longer here to determine guilt, nor find evidence which leads to a verdict. That is the job of the Holy Spirit of God. My job is only to LOVE as Christ has loved me. And OH, how great and wonderful is THAT LOVE! I will explore the deep waters of that love -- HIS LOVE -- forever.

HIS LOVE leads to righteousness, joy, and peace, each of which I now have more of than at any other time in my life. Thank you, Lord! 

And now I have questions, lots of them. And hopefully, some more solid answers ahead.

~~~~~~

What does it really mean to “be like Jesus.” 

Is he just a prototype of a perfect human being, or an ideal? Or was He and is He the real deal? Is He perfect love? Is He the Son of God? Did He show us how to live, how to love others? 

Are His teachings true? Do they change our lives?

 If we  do what He did and think they Way He thinks will it make a difference?