In a recent post writer and blogger, Don Miller, identifies what spiritual manipulation looks like. Miller's analysis is spot on and his testimony is quite powerful.
A Christian leader who is manipulative will:• Never be truly vulnerable. They will never tell stories about their weaknesses. If they do, those stories will be about how they are too strong, too devout and too many other things that are more or less humble brags.
• Always have the true answer, and truth is truth because they said it. The truth is the Bible is complex, but a manipulator knows they can’t get you to submit if they don’t have ALL the answers. Certainly trained pastors have answers, but nobody has all the answers. Manipulators do. They want to tell you how to live.
• They make you jump through hoops. If you want to get married, you must go through hours of classes so they can approve. If you want to be a member, you must sign a contract or a statement of theological belief. Now many wonderful churches do this sort of thing, but when there is a manipulative leader, you’ll normally find an endless number of hurdles to jump over. They want to test you, over and over, to make sure you’re being submissive.
• They will never let you off the hook. A manipulative leader can never, ever let you be fully free in Christ. There must always be something wrong with you or else you will no longer need them and will no longer have to submit.
Miller's advice:
If you’re in a church with a manipulative leader creating the culture, I believe you should leave. The only way a manipulator stops manipulating is when the manipulation stops working, and by staying, you’re saying to the manipulator that it’s working. If you fight them, you’ll lose.
I would only add to the last statement that if you believe you can somehow change the culture, releasing the church from the grips of the manipulative leader(s), and you believe God is leading you to be such a change-agent, then stay. But don't risk your own spiritual health or that of your family in the process. God may want to use you to effect change but not at the expense of loosing sight of Him. Abusive and manipulative church leaders have always been around and they always will be around. Learn to recognize the signs, then avoid them and pray for them.
~~~~~~~~~
Donald Miller's books, Blue Like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What are among my favorites. Blue Like Jazz was turned into a movie exploring christianity, abuse, and spirituality.
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel - which is really no gospel at all. vs. 6-7
In his letter to the church in Galatia Paul takes dead aim at the legalism of the Jews calling it "a different gospel." The issue? They were teaching the Gentiles they had to be justified by works. They were turning from the blood of Christ to something that was no gospel at all. They promoted a justification by works instead of the Christ-centered gospel of grace. In chapter two Paul writes,
“We who are Jews by birth and not sinful Gentilesknow that a person is not justified by the works of the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. -vs.15-16
It's plain and simple: a person is not justified by works. This is in keeping with many, many other scriptures. Paul continues...
So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law, because by the works of the law no one will be justified.
It is by faith in Christ and not "by the works" of the law that we are made right with God. It seems so easy. But is justification by works still taught today in churches? Unfortunately, yes.
There are many churches today which teach "another Gospel," one that leads people astray into insecurity or self-righteousness. Insecurity takes root in the heart when he or she thinks they are not doing enough to please God. Self-righteousness comes when they think they have done enough.
Any and every "gospel" that does not rely solely on the atonement of sin by the blood of Christ is by nature a works-based gospel. And, honestly, these performance-orientated gospels are not gospels at all, because gospel means "good news." There is no good news to the idea that what you do somehow makes you right with God. So where does this corrupt thinking come from?
The works-based teaching in churches comes from two places:
The most common abuse of scripture is when a proof text takes place in order to support the teacher's previously held opinions about works. This teacher most often fails to place the single scripture in the wider context. Here's an example:
In chapter one, Peter's letter reads:
17 Since you call on a Father who judges each person’s work impartially, live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear.
Stopping right here the teacher might note that the Father judges our works. He might begin to build a case for works based on this one passage, failing to read on to very next verse:
18 For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, 19 but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.
The true gospel is clear -- that we were indeed "redeemed...with the precious blood of Christ." This redemption, this true gospel, is the primary theme of the entire new testament. Furthermore, that a Messiah would come and be a perfect sacrifice for our sins is prophesied over and over throughout the old testament. Truly, someone who teaches that we are somehow justified by what we do must distort and ignore a great number of passages in the Bible. This leads to manipulation and spiritual abuse.
The only motive that a teacher has for promoting a works-based "gospel" is in order to manipulate and control people. Since the teaching that we are justified by works leaves the soul devoid of true Joy in the Lord, as well as leaves the spirit still dead in sin, the teacher has no choice but to increase the false-teachings in order to promote fear. This was the case with the Jews in Galatia. And, unfortunately, it's still the case today where fear is used to keep people from leaving "the church."
But are we really ever justified by works? No.
On the contrary -- what we "do" should be the result of what we "believe" by faith. Grace leads to works. Because we have been justified freely by God's grace we desire to please Him; to labor for His Kingdom. The proper motivation is the response we have to the free gift He gives us. We do not work to earn the gift. It's a gift! This allows us to live by faith in the Son of God...
19 “For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God.20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.21 I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”
Christ did NOT die for nothing! Christ died for YOU. Christ died for ME! He shed His blood by choice when he could have called on a vast angelic host to rescue Him. Instead, he willingly walked a road of pain and humility, of torture and abandonment. He did this for one reason and to prove one thing --- GRACE!
Last night April and I had some friends over to talk and pray about the future of Families in Christ Ministries (FIC). I have to say, we have some amazing friends.
For a very long time I have dreamed about how FIC could work to help marriages, parents, single ladies, the poor, the pastors, the imprisoned, and more. But I also knew FIC would never be “just me.” So last night I put the following question to my friends: “What do you think should be the focus of FIC and what ideas do you have for beginning this ministry here in Jackson, TN?”
Immediately the ideas began to fly –
A yearly FIC Conference with a variety of workshops, speakers, small groups, and encouragement for people in many different walks of life.
Communication Skills Workshops for engaged couples and newly-weds, or for any couple who would like to learn to better resolve conflict.
Regular prayer times for the FIC Board of Directors.
There were many more ideas but the really neat thing is how quickly our talking about FIC became a time of encouraging one another in the Lord. It’s so good to be with friends who know your heart and what makes you tick. It’s good to build each other up.
We talked for a couple of hours and came away very encouraged. And I came away with one thing: Whatever the specific future of FIC, and whatever “ministry” we find ourselves doing for the Lord, one thing is for sure, at the heart of all of it will be LOVE and the never-ending work of building one another up.
Great article. I would add to his prescriptions to constantly pray for those we are tempted to be bitter toward. It's difficult to hold a grudge when we are continually asking God to bless them. ~david
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There is one thing you must do in order to judge others, hold a grudge or indulge bitterness.
You must constantly affirm yourself as being morally superior to the person you are condemning. You must think …
“I have the right to judge you, because I am morally superior to you.”
“I have the right to hold a grudge against you, because I am morally superior to you.”
“I have the right to nurse my bitterness, because I am morally superior to you.”
We always try to hide that last phrase in the shadows, don’t we? Because if we bring it into the light, we are forced to see the arrogance and self-righteousness that fuels our judging of others (see James 4:12; Luke 18:10-14).
How can you break free from this insidious attitude?
Unveil and confess your delusion of moral superiority. Thank God that although he is perfectly holy and has every right to condemn us for eternity, he instead judged his Son in our place so that he could shower us with undeserved kindness, mercy and forgiveness.
Then ask him to wash your self-righteousness away and replace it with a humility that leaves no room for grudges or bitterness, and a heart that overflows with the same kind of patience, forbearance, and love that God has lavished on you.
Is there someone you’re holding a grudge against? If so, say these words out loud: “I have the right to hold a grudge against [name] because I am morally superior to [him/her].” If that last phrase sticks in your throat (as I hope it does), confess your self-righteousness to God and ask him to deliver you from the delusion of moral superiority.
It’s difficult to let go of a grudge or stop feeling bitterness, especially if you’ve indulged these feelings for a long time. One way to find freedom from these bitter attitudes is to ask God to help you replace them with specific acts of kindness, as taught in Luke 6:27-28 and Romans 12:20-21.
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The story of Zacchaeus is not a kids story. It's for us.
Luke 19:
Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. He wanted to see who Jesus was, but because he was short he could not see over the crowd. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.
When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.All the people saw this and began to mutter, “He has gone to be the guest of a sinner.” But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”
Don't give up.
The first lesson from this story is "don't give up." It doesn't matter if you can't see over the crowd. Don't use your limitations, your circumstances, your handicaps, or anything else as an excuse to give up. Fight to see Jesus. Do whatever it takes. Zacchaeus was vertically challenged. So what. He humbled his rich little self and hoisted himself up a tree! Why? Because he had heard about this Jesus; this movement and all these crowds referring to themselves as "believers of The Way." He heard about the miracles and the parables; and about the baptisms. It gave him hope that perhaps even a chief tax collector could be saved. Perhaps he even learned of Matthew, one of Jesus' disciples.
Matthew was also a tax collector before cashing in his old life to set out on this journey with the Messiah. Who knows exactly what was in the mind of the "wee little man" that day. But whatever it was it inspired him to climb. And so he did. Zacchaeus didn't give up. And so his life was forever changed. That's a lesson for us: Don't ever give up. Find away to see the Lord of Lords and be ready when He passes by. Don't make excuses: "Well, I'm too much of a sinner, or I had a rotten father, or I can't believe how hypocritical Christians can be." Don't think these things and so miss the Messiah walking by. Don't give up.
Answer yes to the Call.
The second truth we can take from this tale is when Christ asks to come to our home "answer yes to the call." Opportunity. At some time in life, for every Christian, God will ask to come "home" with us. There is a reason Jesus asked to go home with Zacchaeus. The home is where the heart is. The home reveals our priorities -- our hobbies, our family life, and our habits. At home we are vulnerable. Jesus doesn't ask to meet him at Starbucks or go out for pancakes. He wishes to see where he lives. Perhaps this was Zacchaeus' second test. First, he climbs a tree. Second, he takes Jesus home. He answered yes to the call. We have to answer yes to that call as well. And make no mistake God will call every one of us, and often times just as sudden as he did Zacchaeus.
Make Things Right.
Finally, when Zacchaeus's heart began to change, when he was touched by the Lord, he "stood up" and he promised to make things right. I love that he jumped to his feet. Perhaps it was just to get a head height over his guests. But I don't think so. I think he was inspired to repent and his entire body responded. In his repentance he promised to give up half his possessions to the poor and repay those he had cheated back four-fold. Can you imagine if you were the person on the street the next day who saw Zacchaeus coming at him? You couldn't run from this man. Everyone in town knows him. He's the chief tax collector after-all. So you wait for him to ask you for more taxes. But this time something's different in his face. And suddenly, out of no where, he pulls money out of his own pouch and hands it...to you! Then he says, "I cheated you and now I'm repaying you four times the amount I took from you." As you gasp for breath in unbelief he explains that he has been changed by the King of Kings, and that he too is now a follower of the Way.
What a testimony.
Zacchaeus teaches us a very important lesson. We are called to make things right. If we have wronged someone we are to go to them, repent, and reconcile our wrong. And when the Spirit of Christ touches our heart we cannot hesitate. We have to stand up just as fast as our short friend and act. God gives us a conscience for a reason. If we listen to the voice of God to our conscience, and if we obey the promptings of the Spirit of Christ, we will find life, joy, and peace. But we have to act! We have to make things right.
Each of these lessons apply in our families and in our marriages as well. Our spouses and our children need us to be so committed that we'll climb a tree, not giving up to see one another. We need to answer the call for each other. And we must be determined to make things right. The story of Zacchaeus is not a kids story. It's for us.
This is a repost of a really good article. Very important steps below. Follow them all and, if you've been spiritually abused by a church leader, you WILL find healing. The only couple of things I would add to his list is, most importantly, meditate on who you really are in Christ. But also, if you tried #4 either while in the abusive church or after leaving with no luck go ahead and refer to #8 without hesitation. This is especially true if the abusive leader promotes shunning (which is another future post topic). That being said I do believe each of these steps are essential for healing.
If you or someone you love has been hurt in church, take these steps to find total healing.
During the 1980s I was part of a vibrant Christian ministry that focused on reaching university students. The people involved were passionate for Jesus, excited about evangelism and eager to send missionaries to the world. There is no question that we were part of a revival movement. But flawed human beings were involved—and because most of us were under 30 we had no idea what we were doing!
We were idealistic, untrained and horribly naïve. As a result, many mistakes were made. Scripture was misused. Judgements were hurled. People got hurt. Marriages fell apart. Churches closed. And some people never got over the fact that Christians did mean things to each other.
Everywhere I go I meet Christians who were hurt in church or wounded by the words and actions of leaders. Some of these people are bitter. Others have given up on church. Some have even left the faith. And a few suffer from the spiritual equivalent of post-traumatic stress disorder. If you or someone you love has been hurt in church, I recommend taking these steps:
1. Forgive from your heart. The first step is always forgiveness. Don’t fall into the trap of justifying your right to be offended. You may be tempted to scream: “But you don’t understand what they did to me!” God understands—but He requires you to let go of the hurt. The Word is clear: “Just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you” (Col. 3:13b).
2. Learn from the other person’s mistakes. I have mentors who taught me much about God, leadership and ministry. But I also have learned a lot from watching the mistakes leaders make. If someone in ministry hurts you, make a mental note: “That is NOT the way I want to treat people.” You can actually turn your disappointments into blessings if you learn from them.
3. Remain humble. Pride thrives in bitter soil. If you allow anger or resentment to lodge in your heart, it won’t be long before your character is completely poisoned. Your desire to prove your point will inflate your ego—and God will resist you. Paul told the Galatians: “For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself” (Gal. 6:3). Don’t let someone else’s mistake turn you into a monster.
4. Try to make peace. Never let an offense destroy a relationship. It’s childish just to walk away. Does the leader know how he or she hurt you? Make an appointment and share your heart. Give the other person a chance to apologize or give an explanation. Our tendency is always to magnify the other person’s mistakes while we excuse our own behavior. It’s never wise to break a relationship without making every effort at reconciliation. If you feel you can’t talk to the person because of intimidation, write a letter and ask for a meeting.
5. Stay in fellowship. The devil is a wolf—he isolates his victims before he attacks. Many people who are hurt by leaders leave church altogether. It’s okay to take a short break to recover. But if you go two months, then six months, then a year without being in close fellowship with other Christians, you are making yourself vulnerable. You may be tempted to believe that there are no healthy pastors or churches in your area—but I dare you to disprove that.
6. Get godly counsel. It is never wise to walk through a relationship breakup without getting an outside perspective. You may think you are the victim—until a friend points out your own blind spots. Share what happened with trusted, spiritually mature people and ask them how you should respond. If what a leader did to you was criminal (like sexual abuse or financial exploitation) then you may have to consult a lawyer. But in most cases you will simply need to forgive and renounce any desire for revenge. Practice Romans 12:17: “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.”
7. Break free from manipulation. Sometimes immature leaders make harsh judgements against church members. Other leaders use their authority to punish what they perceive as disloyalty—and the person feels cursed. Innappropriate words like this have the power to maim people spiritually. If this has happened to you, ask a pastor or mature friend to pray for you and break the power of these words so you can be healed.
8. Move on. I’ve met Christians who still nurse the same grudges after 30 years. They keep their pain alive by reliving the offense over and over. As a result they are stuck in a time warp, and no one wants to be around them because their sarcasm is so toxic. You must let go. Say what Jesus said on the cross: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
Leave your offenses at the cross. Don’t let disappointment in others lock you in an unhappy past when God has a joyful future for you.
J. Lee Grady is the former editor of Charisma and the director of The Mordecai Project (themordecaiproject.org). You can follow him on Twitter at leegrady. He is the author of 10 Lies the Church Tells Women and other books.
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In the previous three posts I began a new topic on spiritual abuse. This topic has become of interest to me because of the prevalence of spiritual abuse and how it robs Christians of their true joy in the Lord. God has added to my heart and life a desire and plan to help people be set free from spiritual abuse. The number one ingredient which causes spiritual abuse is a misguided church leader, or church leadership. Each of the five characteristics of spiritually abusive churches stem from the leadership. So how does a church solve this dangerous problem? The best place to start is with the scriptures. The following list of qualifications for church leadership is from Paul's first letter to Timothy (chp. 3:1-12). During a time of rapid expansion of Christianity churches were forming by the thousands, all over Judea and beyond. Timothy was a church planter who looked to Paul for advice. Below is what Paul had to say. In my opinion these are not recommendations. I think Paul thought of these as conditions, or qualifications, for being a leader. I'm sure Timothy and others like him were tempted to cut corners and appoint some men without the following qualifications, especially in light of the need. But they did not.
"It is a true statement that anyone whose goal is to serve as an elder has his heart set on a good work.2 An elder
must be such a good man that no one can rightly criticize him.
He must be faithful to his wife.
He must have self-control and be wise.
He must be respected by others.
He must be ready to help people by welcoming them into his home.
He must be a good teacher.3
He must not drink too much, and he must
not be someone who likes to fight.
He must be gentle and peaceful.
He must not be someone who loves money.4
He must be a good leader of his own family. This means that his children obey him with full respect.5 If a man does not know how to lead his own family, he will not be able to take care of God’s church. 6
An elder must not be a new believer. It might make him too proud of himself. Then he would be condemned for his pride the same as the devil was.7
An elder must also have the respect of people who are not part of the church. Then he will not be criticized by others and be caught in the devil’s trap.
I'll comment on just a couple here. One, the church leader should have "self control." Someone who cannot control their temper is not fit for church leadership. Period. As the old adage goes, "Don't raise your voice; improve your argument." A man who is quick to anger will do more harm than good. At this point a person with a short fuse might make excuses for himself and point to the over-turning of tables by Jesus. Sorry, not the same. Jesus did not "loose it." He intentionally showed anger in order to make a point. He was never out of control. Being out of control would be sin. And we know Jesus was sinless. A "hot head" on the other hand should not be a leader in a church, unless he allows the Spirit of God to remove his anger issues. Another qualification stands out to me: "respected by others," including those "who are not part of the church." A man who does not have the respect of the people he is leading in his church, and does not have the respect of people in the community is not fit for church leadership. Respect comes from people trusting him. If he is not trusted he will be ineffective in his demonstration of Godly leadership. Furthermore respect and trust must be earned. It is not simply granted to him because of his charisma, experience, education, or ambition. Respect and trust are measured by the people he seeks to lead. If he coerces or manipulates others in order to appear trustworthy the truth will always catch up to him. Therefore, Paul includes this one in his letter to Timothy.
Finally, the person should be "a good leader of his own family." Now this one is very important. I think these are ALL very important. But this one is about family, and the local church is supposed to be like a family. We are, after-all, brothers and sisters in Christ. If a church leader does not have a good track record leading his own family, or has lost control or is loosing control of the kids in his family, he should not lead in the church. Instead he should focus all his attention on his family, and seek the Spirit of God for wisdom and guidance. A church leaders should NEVER say he is or was called to "sacrifice" time with his family in order to "lead God's church." This is only an excuse. God does not see leadership of ones family and leadership within the church as in competition to one another. If he did he never would have included this as a qualification for church leadership. Leadership of ones family is like a person's resume as he "applies" for leadership in a church. If he cannot provide solid spiritual direction at home he should not be considered for leadership in the Body of Christ. That's what Paul tells Timothy. And he concludes with the following:
8 In the same way, the men who are chosen to be special servants must have the respect of others. They must not be men who say things they don’t mean or who spend their time drinking too much. They must not be men who will do almost anything for money.9 They must follow the true faith that God has now made known to us and always do what they know is right.10 You should test them first. Then, if you find that they have done nothing wrong, they can be special servants.
Here Paul reiterates a couple previous qualifications and ends with the a strong admonition to "follow the true faith that God has made known to us." Both then and now there are challenges to this "true faith" made known to us. True faith is built around the true Gospel -- that Christ came as God in the flesh in order to make atonement for the sins of man. If this is not the center of the leader's teaching he will not likely lead people to freedom in Christ. But if it is his center, and if he meets all the other qualifications prescribed here by God through Paul, he "can be a special servant." ~~~~~~~~~ Future post: "What Should I Do if My Church Leader Doesn't Meet God's Qualifications?"
I cannot remember where I came across the following list. I pasted it as a draft a few months ago. Perhaps I'll find it again later. But I do wish to post it here because it's in keeping with the new label of spiritual abuse. The following list is of the high indicators of a spiritual abuser or religious legalist. Much can be said about each one. In fact I will make it a goal to write about each as a future blog post. Here they are:
1- Wants special seat in church services (Matthew 23:1ff) 2- Desires special titles 3- Feels entitled to a salary because of all the "hard" work 4- Proudly displays or speaks about lists of spiritual accomplishments 5- Over confident in scripture interpretation 6- Lacks humility before "brothers" in Christ 7- Wears fine clothes as a badge/symbol 8- Appoints self to a five-fold position 9- Tends to alienate and divide more than unite believers 10- Does not have identity fully planted in work of Christ on the cross for salvation
The most important thing to recognize right now is... If you see any of these exercise extreme caution. Diligently pray for wisdom and proceed with whatever the Lord puts in your heart to do. Also, pray for the leader, specifically that he or she will gain the knowledge of #10 -- who they are in Christ. #10 changes everything. And here is my own opposite list -- Characteristics of a true spiritual leader:
Would not hesitate, in fact, wants to give up the best seat for others
Down-plays or even refuses special titles and seeks a path to humility
Does not act entitled to payment for ministry
Rarely if ever speaks of own accomplishments, but works hard at highlighting the accomplishments of everyone else
Approaches Biblical interpretation with extreme humility, recognizing our own fallen state and inevitability of pre-supposition due to experiences and traditions
Considers the brothers in Christ to be the life-line to accountability and unity
Does not care about outward appearance as a sign of success, influence, or importance
Is "appointed" to a five-fold ministry by the acknowledgments of those he leads and does not ever dwell or harp on the appointment
Has a history of uniting believers and creating pathways to loving one another
Is unshaken in his or her faith due to identity being firmly planted in the work of Christ
I look forward to supporting each of these with scriptures in future posts. I look forward even more to how encouraging and convicting this study is becoming. Truth be told, anyone with the slightest leadership ability/calling is tempted to fall into unhealthy patterns of thinking and acting. I know I am tempted. So looking at these closely is not only healthy it is essential if we are to promote the absolute love of Christ and avoid the pitfalls of spiritual abuse or religious legalism.
~~~~~
"Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to 'come underneath' and serve, build, equip and make God's people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God's people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own." --Jeff VanVonderen
Now I remember why I liked this book so well back in 98. Co-Written by Jeff Van Vonderen, spiritual abuse is a real thing. Countless Christians are not even aware they are victims of spiritual abuse. They just know something is wrong. Deep inside they believe things should be different but they are paralyzed by the abusive system. Others seek to change from within only to become spiritual exhausted. This book is here to help. I think it's a must read for ALL -- church leader, member, Christian, and non-Christian alike. In the weeks ahead I'll flesh it out some but for now here's a taste:
“One basic purpose of this book is to help you examine your own practice of Christianity first. Are you practicing grace, allowing the Spirit of Christ to live through you in such a way that you help lift oppressive weights off of others and spiritually empower them to live? Or are you trying to force people to live under laws, rules or formulas for spirituality that cause them to feel weighed down, unable to measure up to your standards?[1]”
“As we’ve noted, certain characteristics of spiritually abusive systems make it immensely difficult for people caught up in them to leave. Because of the focus on religious performance, things look good to those on the outside. This system acts like a “spiritual magnet” pulling in people from the outside. Inside, however, the system acts like a black hole with spiritual gravity so strong it is very hard for people to get out. In fact, as you’ve already seen with the “can’t-talk” rule, even information about what is going on within the system can’t get out. If you talk to anyone, you are treated as if you are the problem. The following characteristics are what make these abusive spiritual systems so difficult to escape.
Paranoia
In the church or family that is spiritually abusive, there is a sense, spoken or unspoken, that “others will not understand what we’re all about, so let’s not let them know—that way they won’t be able to ridicule or persecute us.” There is an assumption that (1) what we say, know, or do is a result of our being more enlightened than others; (2) others will not understand unless they become one of us; and (3) others will respond negatively. In a place where authority is grasped and legislated, not simply demonstrated, persecution sensitivity builds a case for keeping everything within the system. Why? Because of the evil, dangerous, or unspiritual people outside of the system who are trying to weaken or destroy “us.” This mentality builds a strong wall or bunker around the abusive system, isolates the abusers from scrutiny and accountability. “and makes it more difficult for people to leave—because they will then be outsiders too. While it is true that there is a world of evil outside of the system, there is also good out there. But people are misled into thinking that the only safety is in the system.
Ironically, Jesus and Paul both warned that one of the worst dangers to the flock was from wolves in the house (Matthew 10:16; Acts 20:29–30).
These presentations are part of a 10-part course entitled “Breaking the Silence on Spiritual Abuse”. In addition to Jeff VanVonderen, this series includes presentations by Dave Johnson and Lynn Heitritter. The entire class can be purchased here. For additional information about Jeff Vanvonderen visit his web site at www.innervention.com. For additional information and resources related to spiritual abuse we encourage you to visit www.spiritualabuse.com.
"Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to 'come underneath' and serve, build, equip and make God's people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God's people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own." --Jeff VanVonderen
Spiritual abuse has been around since the very beginning of Christianity. Unfortunately thousands of Christians still experience spiritual abuse every year. With this post I begin a new Label and seek to define spiritual abuse, as well as share a post with resources. In future posts I will contrast God's love, grace, and acceptance to the abuse of religious systems, churches, leaders, and groups. I will NOT be naming names or listing denominations, and/or churches. This topic is about the principles of spiritual abuse and how they run counter to the Biblical Gospel, and specifically against our new identity in Christ. Knowing our true identity in Christ makes us free, secure, and loving, keeping leaders from abusing and keeping followers from falling prey to their abuse. Below are FIVE CHARACTERISTICS OF CHURCHES AND/OR CHURCH LEADERS WHO ABUSE. But first... What is spiritual abuse? I like this definition:
Spiritual abuse is the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. Sometimes abuse arises out of a doctrinal position. At other times it occurs because of legitimate personal needs of a leader that are being met by illegitimate means. Spiritually abusive religious systems are sometimes described as legalistic, mind controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian.
Unlike other forms of abuse - physical, emotion, etc. - spiritual abuse can damage or even destroy a person's faith in God. Spiritual abuse can occur under virtually any organizational structure, but “top down” hierarchical structures are especially well suited to systemic spiritual abuse. The term “spiritual abuse” was perhaps coined first by Jeff VanVonderen in the following book:
I think every leader should be willing to read this book. If a church leader is not willing to read this book that should be a clue to their own desire for uneven power. For those church leaders who are willing to read this book it will help them avoid the subtle temptation to do the following: COMMON CHARACTERISTICS of Spiritual Abuse from here.
#1) Authoritarian
The most distinctive characteristic of a spiritually abusive religious system, or leader, is the over-emphasis on authority. Because a group claims to have been established by God Himself the leaders in this system claim the right to command their followers.
This authority supposedly comes from the position they occupy. In Matthew 23:1-2 Jesus said the Scribes and Pharisees "sit in Moses' seat," a position of spiritual authority. Many names are used but in the abusive system this is a position of power, not moral authority. The assumption is that God operates among His people through a hierarchy, or "chain of command." In this abusive system unconditional submission is often called a "covering," or "umbrella of protection" which will provide some spiritual blessing to those who fully submit. Followers may be told that God will bless their submission even if the leadship is wrong. It is not their place to judge or correct the leadership – God will see to that.
#2) Image Conscious
The abusive religious system is scrupulous to maintain an image of righteousness. The organization's history is often misrepresented in the effort to demonstrate the organization's special relationship to God. The mistaken judgements and character flaws of its leaders are denied or covered up in order to validate their authority. Impossibly high legalistic standards of thought and behavior may be imposed on the members. Their failure to live up to these standards is a constant reminder of the follower's inferiority to his leaders, and the necessity of submission to them. Abusive religion is, at heart, legalism.
Abusive religion is also paranoid. Because the truth about the abusive religious system would be quickly rejected if recognized, outsiders are shown only a positive image of the group. This is rationalized by assuming that the religion would not be understood by "worldly" people; therefore they have no right to know. This attitude leads to members being secretive about some doctrines and the inner policies and proceedures of the group. Leaders, especially, will keep secrets from their members. This secrecy is rooted in a basic distrust of others because the belief system is false and can not stand scrutiny.
#3) Suppresses Criticism
Because the religious system is not based on the truth it cannot allow questions, dissent, or open discussions about issues. The person who dissents becomes the problem rather than the issue he raised. The truth about any issue is settled and handed down from the top of the hierarchy. Questioning anything is considered a challenge to authority. Thinking for oneself is suppressed by pointing out that it leads to doubts. This is portrayed as unbelief in God and His anointed leaders. Thus the follower controls his own thoughts by fear of doubting God.
#4) Perfectionistic
A most natural assumption is that a person does not get something for nothing. Apart from the express declarations of salvation by grace through faith God has given in the scriptures, it would be natural to think that one must earn salvation, or at least work to keep it. Thus, in abusive religions all blessings come through performance of spiritual requirements. Failure is strongly condemned so there is only one alternative, perfection. So long as he thinks he is succeeding in his observation of the rules, the follower typically exhibits pride, elitism, and arrogance. However, when reality and failure eventually set in, the result is the person experiences spiritual burnout, or even shipwreck of his faith. Those who fail in their efforts are labeled as apostates, weak, or some other such term so that they can be discarded by the system.
#5) Unbalanced
Abusive religions must distinguish themselves from all other religions so they can claim to be distinctive and therefore special to God. This is usually done by majoring on minor issues such as prophecy, carrying biblical law to extremes, or using strange methods of biblical interpretation. The imbalanced spiritual hobby-horse thus produced represents unique knowledge or practices which seem to validate the group's claim to special status with God.
RECOVERY FROM SPIRITUAL ABUSEHealthy recovery from spiritual abuse must begin with understanding what has happened and how. A victim usually thinks he is the only one experiencing these problems. Just being able to give a name to the problem is important. There are many books on the subject (see recommended reading below) that will be helpful in learning about spiritual abuse and recovery.
Afterward the abused person must learn the true nature of God’s grace, love and forgiveness. This is the foundation for being able to eventually forgive the abuser. Being able to share the experience and what has been learned so as to minister to someone else’s need is also very important. This could be done in a support group made up of people with a similar experience who can share the healing love of Christ. Finally, a lot of time must be allowed for full recovery.
RECOMMENDED READING
I've read this book a couple of times and will provide a full book review in a future post.
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, Bethany House Publishers. Dynamite! Excellent help for recognizing and escaping spiritual manipulation and false spiritual authority within the Church. 235 pages.
Here are a few more on my to-read list.
Faith That Hurts, Faith That Heals, by Stephen Arterburn, and Jack Felton, Thomas Nelson Publishers. Very thorough treatment, analyzes beliefs that make harmful faith, religious addiction, etc. as well as treatment and recovery, and the characteristics of healthy faith. 320 pages.
Breaking Free, by David R. Miller, Baker Book House. Speaking first-hand from the experiences of his own family, Miller penetrates virtually every nuance of legalism and its insidious effects on individual and family life. 176 pages.
Wisdom Hunter, be Randall Arthur, Multnomah Press. Taut, fast-paced thriller presents a powerful message about the damage caused by Christian legalism. 323 pages.
Churches That Abuse, by Ronald Enroth, Zondervan. Providing real-life examples throughout, Enroth probes every corner of the abusive church. He also provides help to find the way out, and back to God’s healing. 253 pages, endnotes.
