A Christian leader who is manipulative will...

In a recent post writer and blogger, Don Miller, identifies what spiritual manipulation looks like. Miller's analysis is spot on and his testimony is quite powerful.   

A Christian leader who is manipulative will:• Never be truly vulnerable. They will never tell stories about their weaknesses. If they do, those stories will be about how they are too strong, too devout and too many other things that are more or less humble brags. 

• Always have the true answer, and truth is truth because they said it. The truth is the Bible is complex, but a manipulator knows they can’t get you to submit if they don’t have ALL the answers. Certainly trained pastors have answers, but nobody has all the answers. Manipulators do. They want to tell you how to live. 

• They make you jump through hoops. If you want to get married, you must go through hours of classes so they can approve. If you want to be a member, you must sign a contract or a statement of theological belief. Now many wonderful churches do this sort of thing, but when there is a manipulative leader, you’ll normally find an endless number of hurdles to jump over. They want to test you, over and over, to make sure you’re being submissive. 

• They will never let you off the hook. A manipulative leader can never, ever let you be fully free in Christ. There must always be something wrong with you or else you will no longer need them and will no longer have to submit.

Miller's advice:  

If you’re in a church with a manipulative leader creating the culture, I believe you should leave. The only way a manipulator stops manipulating is when the manipulation stops working, and by staying, you’re saying to the manipulator that it’s working. If you fight them, you’ll lose.

I would only add to the last statement that if you believe you can somehow change the culture, releasing the church from the grips of the manipulative leader(s), and you believe God is leading you to be such a change-agent, then stay. But don't risk your own spiritual health or that of your family in the process. God may want to use you to effect change but not at the expense of loosing sight of Him. Abusive and manipulative church leaders have always been around and they always will be around. Learn to recognize the signs, then avoid them and pray for them.

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Donald Miller's books, Blue Like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What are among my favorites. Blue Like Jazz was turned into a movie exploring christianity, abuse, and spirituality.